Everyone Hates Shrinks
by Creign
Summary: Can you tell me something about yourself, Mr... Uchiha?" "Yes." "What?" "I said yes." "I heard what you said; I meant 'what' as in what do you MEAN yes." "I'm a psych patient, not a basic English teacher." Sasusaku. AU
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: The Meeting**

A knock sounded on the mahogany door.

"Come in."

The door creaked open and a middle-age lady dressed in a sharp business suit strode in. Her hair was pulled into a tight bun and her stride was prim and proper. Unfortunately, her picture of formality was destroyed by the youth behind her. He was so contradictory to her image that one had to wonder if he was placed there on purpose, to emphasize the woman's etiquette.

A brunette sitting in the mahogany desk that matched the door looked up. "Are you the one o'clock appointment?" she looked down at the clipboard clutched in her fingers. "Er… Uchiha Sasuke?"

The harassed-looking lady nodded while gesturing towards the man behind her. "I am Special Officer Ayumi Inoue assigned to this man as parole officer. He is here for his therapy appointment."

The brunette raised an eyebrow while eyeing the man.

_B__lack hair, piercings, I-don't-give-a-shit expression, street clothes... the usual bastard._

"Thank you," Tenten addressed the parole officer. "Dr. Haruno will be with you in a minute; she's on lunch break now. When she comes back, we can talk with the client and determine how often he should have meetings. After your first session, please come see me and we can set up a schedule."

"Does he need to fill in any information right now?" Ayumi asked.

"No, his file was already sent down a few days ago. I already scanned it into the system."

Sasuke, who hadn't moved through out the entire conversation, sat down on one of the burgundy couches and promptly began to glare a hole through the poor floor.

Tenten noticed his expression and sighed to herself.

_I need a new job. __A__ny more of these loopy people and I'm __gonna__ need a shrink myself. __How does Sakura put up with it?_

She turned to the computer on her desk and filled in the appointment on an open Excel window. Then, since she wasn't allowed to instant message on the job, she opened a Minesweeper window and proceeded to blast away at the blank gray squares.

The room was fell silent, and Ayumi began to tap her heel against the couch's wooden legs. Sasuke turned his glare from the carpet to Ayumi's shoes.

Tap, tap. Tiki-tiki tap.

Ayumi beat out a rhythm in her impatience. Just as she began another cycle, the mahogany door slammed open on its hinges. The posters of happy people on the wall shook.

A pink haired lady slid into the room with a file in one hand, the door knob in the other, and a half-eated bagel in her mouth. When she looked up and saw the room's occupants staring at her, she blushed.

_Oh, shit, the new clients are here__ That must have__ been an amazing first impression._

"Uh," she studdered in embarrassment as her face heated. "Please excuse me. I was running a little late. I'll be right back." Then with an apologetic smile, she quickly took the bagel out of her mouth and slammed it into a nearby garbage can. Then she walked up to Tenten and handed her the file that she was reading.

"Smooth," Tenten mouthed, grinning widely.

Sakura silenced her with a glare and strode towards the adjacent door into her office.

"I'll be with you in a second," she called back.

The social worker looked at Tenten and raised a skeptical eyebrow, while Sasuke fought the urge to jump out the penthouse window.

Was this some kind of joke? He stayed in juvie and was a damn goody-goody. He didn't smoke and didn't struggle. When he was on parole, he was a perfect angel. Now what does he get in return? A psych ward with a pink haired shrink.

Allow him to repeat that.

Pink.

Yeah...

His gaze passed from his officer, to the posters on the wall, to the secretary hacking with a vengeance at her mouse, and finally to the door the shrink entered. His stomach sank.

* * *

When Sakura got into her office, she frantically began to clean up the mess that was her desk.

"Why didn't I look at the time?" she muttered to herself, "This is all Ino's fault, dragging me to that fancy Italian place for lunch. Just because I'm her friend and a registered psych doesn't mean she can freeload off of me and get free rant sessions. God, she's so emotional when she's on her period..."

She was so caught up in her rant that she didn't notice the door to her office opening.

"Ahem," Sasuke coughed for her attention. The secretary had told him to go in, saying that Dr. Haruno must be ready. That was clearly not the case. When he entered the room, the shrink was encased in a flurry of papers and files and muttering vehemently. Sasuke caught "Italian", "psych", "emotional", and "period".

Sakura jumped and blushed furiously when she noticed him in the room. _Oh my god, did he hear me? Damn you, __Tenten__... I didn't say I was ready yet_. She decided to pretend that nothing awkward had happened and took a seat on one of the chairs in her office gesturing for him to do the same.

He obliged while raising an eyebrow at the doctor's clumsiness.

_What a moro__n_, he thought. _Is she really a psychiatr__ist? She looks around my age..._

"So..." she settled down and eyed the clipboard with her new client's file "Uchiha Sasuke?"

"Hn."

Sakura smiled. She got that often.

"It says that you're here to do psych treatment as part of your parole." She stated the facts to avoid any uncomfortable subjects. Patients didn't like it when you attack them on your second sentence.

"Hn."

"Okay, how about some introductions? I'm Haruno Sakura, your shrink for the next…" she checked his file. Her eyes fell on the "_Suggested treatment time__"_ column. "Three months," she finished perkily. She had this theory that happiness was contagious.

"You make it sound like you're not getting paid to do this," came his monotone reply.

She twitched. Rude little bastard...

"Why don't we start by introducing yourself, Uchiha-san."

"Bite me."

"As appealing as that sounds, I'd rather not." Although she actually, she would. This new patient was what she guessed Ino would call "eye candy" Wow. Wait.

Ino was rubbing off on her. _Uh…_

Sasuke glared at the girl in front of him who had apparently dozed off. She was putting much less effort into this than all of his previous counselors. To her favor though, they gave up after the first few conversations with him while she didn't seem fazed. Maybe that's why the police moved his case to this clinic- Haruno's style was different from the norm.

The sound of a bird flying into her office window snapped Sakura out of her trance "So, introduce yourself."

Sasuke kept glaring. "My name is Uchiha Sasuke," he said in the most dead-panned voice Sakura had ever heard.

"Yes, we've established that. I mean what are your likes, dislikes, hobbies- anything you think is worth bringing up."

He gave up on glaring- it was hurting his eye sockets. "I like anything I don't dislike."

"And what do you dislike?"

"The list is too long."

"Can you name something in particular?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"I said yes."

"What do you mean yes?"

"I'm a psych patient, not a basic English teacher."

"I don't mean the meaning of 'yes'. I mean what do you mean 'yes'."

"Yes, I can name something in particular I don't like."

When Sakura realized that he wasn't going to elaborate, she added, "And what don't you like?"

"You."

Okay, now they were getting somewhere. Sakura learned from experience that if you start to talk about a subject that the client themselves bring up, they'll drop their guard a little. Yes, she treated cracking a psych patient like a strategic battle.

"What don't you like about me?"

"Everything."

"Can you name something in particular?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"I said yes."

"What do you mean yes?"

"As I've said before, I'm a psych patient, not a basic English teacher."

They were starting the familiar cycle again. Sakura glared while Sasuke sat back with a smug look. Obviously, he won this round.

_Fine, __Uchiha__ You want a battle? I'll give you a war.

* * *

_

A/N: What do you think? Good? Bad? Burn in Hell?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **I tried to make this one with more detail since that seems to be a writing problem of mine according to the reviewers of my other story and my English teacher. Thanks to beta fallen.angel.black.heart who has better grammer and vocabulary than my Microsoft Word. I added the days to each section because this chapter can get a little confusing with the days

**Disclaimer (which was forgotten in the first chapter): I do not own Naruto, Febreeze, Quakers, or any other copyrighted thing mentioned.

* * *

**

**Chapter Two: The Filler Chapter  
**

_Thursday:_

Sakura sighed with contentment as she rotated the key inside the lock to her apartment and opened the door.

"Home, sweet home…"

She threw her jacket on a nearby hook and made her way to the kitchen, all the while inhaling the enticing aroma of the new "Melon Mist" Febreeze air freshener she had bought earlier this week at the local supermarket. Until recently, she had never heard of a fruit-scented air freshener, but hey, it was either that or the "Morning Walk" which probably smelled like sweat, and getting hit with a blast of perspiration-scented fumes every time she entered her apartment didn't sound too appealing.

She rinsed her hands in the kitchen sink and opened the fridge in hopes of finding something to eat but of course, it was Thursday. That meant there was literally nothing to eat since she did her grocery shopping on Fridays, so her food stock was almost depleted by the end of the week. So, with a dejected frown, she sifted through cartons of expired Chinese take-out, a bottle of mayonnaise, a half-carton of milk, a rotten carrot, and a sickly-looking abandoned food experiment Ino and her tried a few weeks ago.

Slightly disgusted with the contents of the refrigerator, she opened the doors of the pantry.

_Lets see… flour, sugar, pepper, paprika, dried seaweed, bread, tea leaves and… ah-hah! _

She pulled out the resealable bag of Quakers Oatmeal, the half-carton of milk, and a wooden bowl. She poured some milk and oatmeal into the bowl and set it in the microwave for a few minutes. Then she walked back to her living room to grab the tote bag full of her papers that she left on the couch and ran into the kitchen when she heard the microwave beeping.

She set the bag on a chair in the kitchen and ran towards the microwave opening it to find an oatmeal explosion.

_Oh yeah, I forgot to cover the bowl…_

How could she have forgotten the most important rule of using the most used cooking appliance in her house? She ripped a quilted towel from the roll hanging from one of the counters and began the tedious task of wiping down a still-hot microwave because if you left it to cool, the oatmeal would harden.

Just as Sakura was rubbing a persistent spot of oatmeal from the ceiling of the little electronic box, her phone rang and in her hurry to get it, she pulled out of the microwave too fast, gave herself whiplash, and spilled the remaining hot oatmeal on herself. Then, she proceeded to bang her head on the bottom of her pantry and stub her toe on her kitchen table. While her phone continued to whine, she tripped while stepping on her stubbed toe with her other foot to numb the pain.

Finally, cursing, limping, rubbing her head, and cringing, she made her pitiful way to the telephone, grabbed it and gasped out a painful "Hello".

"Hey, Sakura-chaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

"Hey Naru(gasp of pain)to…"

"So listen, I know you're busy with work and all, but I planned this get-together and _everyone's_ coming. You just have to come- no excuses. I wanna introduce you an old friend that just moved into town!"

"Sure (wheeze of pain)… when is it? It'll be nice to get out."

"It's Saturday at 5:00 pm at my place. And… are you ok? You sound like you're in pain…"

"You have no idea."

"What happened?"

"I tried to make myself some microwave oatmeal."

"Oh… yeah that stuff is pretty nasty. Once, I ate some and I had to go like twelve times that day- "

"I'll see you at the party Naruto"

_Click_

"-and there was _so _much. My stomach felt like hell after- hey Sakura-chan? Sakura-chan? …She must have needed to use the bathroom."

_ Click  
_

_

* * *

_

_Friday:_

"And this month," the woman sobbed into a soggy-looking tissue "he started to make an obvious effort as to not stay in the same room as me. When I tried to talk to him about it, he just flipped me off. It's just... I feel as if I don't even know him anymore!" She broke into hysterical wails and violent hiccups.

Sakura nodded sympathetically. "Yes, cry. Let it all out." This was one of those lines she learned during medic school that really came in handy. She waited until the woman composed herself again and handed her a trash bin to throw the used tissues out in.

It was Friday and this was her last patient of the week. The woman, Megumi, was one of her regulars because she was constantly paranoid about her husband cheating on her and her son "drifting further away" from her. Sakura personally thought Ms. Hiro was too clingy.

"Yesterday, I heard music in the hall and it was the kind with, you know, electric guitars and," she struggled to describe the music with unbiased words "heavy bass background music and lots of screaming. That's just not the Hiro I raised... What should I do?" She looked to Sakura for advice.

Sakura, who dealt with persistent mothers a lot, explained to her kids grow up and they can't watch Barney and listen to lullabies forever. "Megumi-san, heavy rock and metal are relatively popular genres of music with the teen population compared with country and classical and it's normal for a fifteen year old teenager to be reclusive. They can't stay seven forever. I mean this in the kindest way possible but," she paused for a dramatic effect, "you'll just have to let him go."

Megumi sniffled and nodded. She looked at the clock. "Oh, four o'clock already. I'm really sorry but I have an important meeting with my husband in an hour. I really have to go now so have a happy weekend."

Sakura nodded back. "You too." She cheered on the inside- one less hour of mature angsting to listen to.

After Megumi shuffled her way out of the office, Sakura stretched and cleaned up her desk. Then, after taking some notes about today's appointment with Megumi, she grabbed her coat and jacket and walked into the reception room.

"Hey Tenten, I'm leaving early today so order another dozen boxes of tissues for the office, please? We're all out. You can go when you're done too."

The bored receptionist looked up. "God, we went through the last dozen already? Some forest in South America was probably cleared for all the tissues that we use in a week."

"You'll buy them?"

"That's my job."

"Okay, have a nice weekend then." Sakura walked towards the other door leading to the hallway.

"Not likely. Lee is dragging me and Neji to a reunion for "old times sake". So I hope you enjoy your weekend." Tenten called to her back.

* * *

Sakura opened the door the same instant the phone rang. She swore. _Not again. _

She removed her shoes respectively with the opposite feet and sprinted to the phone.

"Hello?" She said, breathless.

"Is this Dr. Haruno?" a familiar voice on the other end asked.

"It is. Who's asking?" she asked, suspicious. Normally, people who wanted the "doctor" called her office.

"Uchiha Sasuke from yesterday, remember?"

"Uh..." She was at a momentary loss of words because she didn't expect him to call her home. She didn't even expect him to call to schedule another appointment at all based on how yesterday went.

"Do you suffer from selective memory loss? Good idea, I wouldn't select to remember me if I were you either." Sasuke drawled. He had mistaken her silence for stupidity.

"I remember you," she snapped. "Why are you calling my home phone?"

"I called your office first but the very... patient and kind receptionist said that she was leaving early and for me to come 'bother you'." He mimicked Tenten's voice perfectly.

"No, I mean why are _you_ calling? What happened to your poor patrol officer?"

"Oh she's right here. She made me schedule the appointment for next week because she thinks I need to talk more. Right, Ayumi?" He called to someone behind him. She heard something break in the background.

"You're talking an awful lot now."

"I have to. Rules are that I have to say at least 5,000 words a day without cursing. I think I'm up to 4,760."

"...okay." She's never heard of a rule saying one must talk at least a certain amount but she guessed that it was so that people like Sasuke's vocabulary don't shrink down to "hn", "aa", and "whatever" with the exception of cusses, of course. "When do you want to make your next appointment?" She decided to be nice to the poor guy.

"Actually, I'm free almost all week because of parole." He replied almost cheerfully.

"Um, let me go get my schedule." It was a good thing she printed it out before she left. Tenten always filled in a schedule for her with patients who call the week before and Sakura always went over it during the weekend. She grabbed her bag from where she left it dejected in the hall and pulled out her schedule book. "I'm free... on Tuesday afternoon, Thursday afternoon, and Friday morning." She was also free on Monday morning and Friday afternoon but she didn't feel like having an appointment with Sasuke to begin or end her week.

"I'll take the Thursday appointment."

"Okay, see you there," and they both hung up without exchanging pleasantries. She filled in the appointment in the column labeled "Thursday" and put the book on the table.

Then sore all over, she decided to step in her shower before attacking her next chore of living alone.

Grocery Shopping.

* * *

_Saturday:_

_Brii-ing, Brii-ing_

_Brii-ing, Brii-ing_

_Brii-ing, Brii-ing_

_Brii-ing, Bri- Hey this is Haruno Sakura. I'm not here right now so here comes the beep. Hopefully, you know what to do with it._

Beep. Silence. Then-

"SAKURA GET YOUR LAZY ASS OFF THE BED AND PICK UP THE GODDAMN PHONE! IT'S NINE IN THE MORNING AND IF YOU SLEEP ANYMORE YOU'RE GONNA WEAR A DAMN HOLE IN YOUR BED! IF YOU DON'T WALK OUT OF BED RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA SCREAM AT YOU TILL YOUR EARS BLEED 'CAUSE MY NEIGHBORS ARE ALREADY UP, UNLIKE A CERTAIN SOMEONE, AND DON'T CARE IF I YELL ! I …"

Sakura rolled over and out of her bed with her fingers stuffed into her ears to prevent any perpetual damage. She sauntered over to the phone in her living room and, using her shoulders to cover her ears, lifted the receiver and delivered the sweetest two-word combination in the history of language.

"Shut up."

"About time, too. Listen, you're going to Naruto's party right?"

"Yeah… If you're planning on abducting me to the mall to help you pick out shoes, an outfit, and/or an accessory, your plan has a serious default."

"It's not like it's your choice… we haven't gone shopping in ages."

"Hell no, I just got out of bed and my hair is thirteen inches high. On top of that, my bruises from Thursday are starting to turn into some pretty vivid shades." It was true. Her skin looked like it was tattooed by a drunk artist in a dunebuggy on a road trip.

"Bruises? What bruises?...Whatever. I'll pick you up in an hour!"

Click.

Sakura stared bearily at the reciver in her hand and hung up. She could tell this was going to be one of those days.

* * *

**A/N: **Yes, I know it's just a filler chapter but I couldn't find the inspiration to do any heavy duty scenes. This author eats reviews. Feed her. 


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